To the version of myself I'd like to forget about

To the version of myself I'd like to forget about,

Hey you, yes I’m talking to you. Sitting in that house, barely paying rent wasting time taking way too many extra-curricular classes at Butler.

That last statement probably made you angry – which is fair because that’s the stage of life you’re going through and let me tell you, it’s not going to end well… at first.

But you’ll move on and I promise, it gets better.

And even though you’re going to struggle, financially, academically, and emotionally, it’ll all be worth it because before you know it you’re going to graduate.

I know you hesitated to jump into the education profession. In fact you’re going to enroll in classes, get discouraged and drop those classes and eventually transfer back to Butler – again – because it’s your safe place. But you’ll come back to Wichita State and even meet with the Education department advisors and then you’ll chicken out because you’re afraid. You’re afraid of following in the wrong footsteps and you’re afraid of not living up to your potential because even in this dark phase of your life, you know that you are worth something. You’ll get rejected from the nursing program and your newfound best friend will get accepted. You’ll try the business school thing for a while but it won’t pan out because you’re just not interested – you know you love literature but you’re avoiding the obvious. Eventually, after a tiresome year of boring night classes and working full time, you’re going to make a decision and when you do, you’ll feel immediately relieved and stressed out all at the same time.

And then the day will come for your first education class. You’ll be overwhelmed and excited and eager to learn everything that you can about the profession and at the end of that semester you’ll discover that you LOVE your English classes and that you have learned absolutely nothing about the education program or the profession that you didn’t already know from previous information and outside research. You’re going to be disappointed.

But those English classes will keep you going and so you’ll stick with the program – partly because you can’t afford not to and partly because you’re not sure what else to do with an English degree – and you’ll enroll in Core I. I’m ashamed to say that you’ll tell yourself that it’s all about the literature – that the students are just a part of it until you get to the point where you can teach college. But then you’ll discover an amazing advisor, mentor, and teacher who will keep you motivated when you lose that spark and through your first field experience opportunity, you’ll start to develop a REAL passion for helping students learn.

By the way, you’re going to have to pay for this year out of pocket and so you’re going to have to heavily rely on the support of your fiancé (surprise! You know him but you two haven’t even started dating yet) and sometimes after he leaves your parent’s house (surprise again, you had to move back home) you cry a little in your room because you feel terrible accepting the financial help.

By the time Core II rolls around you’ll finally feel like you’ve got the hang of things for once. At this point you will have made some really awesome friends who will know the true struggles of being a pre-service teacher. You will laugh a lot and stress yourself out. But the best part, second only to the friends that you’ve made, is that you will start really believing in your teaching philosophy – and not just because it’s what you know you should believe.

Finally your last year as an undergrad will arrive – sneak up on you actually, and you’ll start your year-long placement. You’ll be assigned to a school that wasn’t on your list of choices and this will disappoint you greatly but it will turn out to be the best possible placement for you. You’ll really start to freak out because people start to mention PLT exams – that you knew absolutely nothing about – in passing as though you have been informed of this throughout the entire program. You knew you’d have to take a content exam but you had no idea there was a test for teaching skills and strategies – isn’t that what the field experience is for? You’ll start to panic because you will pour hours into research and still won’t be able to find the answers to your questions. You’ll lose sleep because you can’t turn your brain off at night (you’ll also come to accept that your anxiety is a part of your personality type).

You’ll freak out about your lesson planning and so you’ll put it off and then have a panic attack when you have to start showing your lesson planning to your ever-patient mentor. You’ll talk to her and she’ll calm you down and take extra time out of her schedule to help you figure out your lessons. You’ll talk to your teacher after class one day and completely break down in front of her and then you’ll leave thinking “why didn’t I say something sooner?”.  Core III will be your most difficult semester (just like your best friend’s third semester in nursing school was her most difficult semester).

You’ll learn to rely on your mentor teacher and you won’t hesitate to tell her when you’re starting to feel anxious and you’ll feel silly for not talking to her about your anxiety before your break down. You’ll start to remember all of the things from your previous core classes and you will realize that the majority of your assignments and assigned readings have guided you to this point. Your professor and university supervisor will require you to start blogging and get this – you’ll seriously enjoy it. In fact, from Core I on you’ll enjoy the majority of your assignments because as it turns out – you really wanted to do this teaching thing all along, you were just too stubborn to admit it. In fact, I’d venture to say that your stubbornness is part of the reason you stayed at Butler for so long.

Core IV will arrive and disappear in the blink of an eye. During this time you will form a strong bond with your mentor (which is funny because at first, it seemed a little like a dance) and you will learn to appreciate observations and feedback. You’ll start to find your teaching style – which is a little different from that of your mentor— and you’ll absolutely LOVE being at the front of the classroom every day. Eventually your mentor will start stepping out of the classroom for increasing periods of time as the semester goes on and this will help your confidence immensely. In fact, when you have to have a sub, you are thankful because you get an entire day with each class and you truly feel accomplished and at home in the classroom.

You should know that you need to continue to work on your organizational skills – I say this because as I write this, I know I still struggle. You’ll be better than you ever were but you – I – still need to find a system for your own classroom.

So there you have it. There are two weeks until graduation and you’ve passed all of your exams, jumped through all of the flaming hoops, and made some amazing friends along the way. Be hopeful because while you’re in a dark place right now, it’s going to get better.  You’re going to make it and you’re going to find your passion. I promise.