Breathe.

Breathe.

It is going to feel impossible.

You’re not going to feel ready. In fact,

You’re going to feel like a complete and total fraud.

Everyone will confuse you for a student and

One of the administrators will nonverbally shame you for

Entering the teacher’s lounge during lunch – how dare you? You look sixteen.

You can’t possibly be a student teacher.

There will be stress.

Stress so overwhelming that your acne will flare up so badly

That your students will interrupt your lesson to tell you about it.

Great ideas will come to you but you won’t be able to explain them.

Your mentor teacher will look at you with kind, understanding eyes

But will still have no idea what you’re talking about.

When you plan your lesson you’ll be sure you thought of everything

And then you will forget all of it and the clearly printed English on your lesson plans

Will translate themselves into French – a language in which you are clearly not fluent.

Why aren’t you fluent in French?

Your students will act like you’re speaking in French.

You’ll hear crickets.

Everyone will tell you that it will all work out. They don’t know what you know.

They don’t understand. No one understands.

You haven’t done enough.

You didn’t volunteer. You never went for that co-op job. You have no experience.

You took too long in college. You took too long to decide to become a teacher.

You’re not going to get that job. It’s going to go to someone else.

Someone more qualified. Someone who won’t actually like that job – your dream job.

Someone who will leave after they’ve taken your spot.

But you won’t even make it that far

Because your KPTP score was abysmal. You weren’t thorough enough.

You provided too much detail. The schedule you mapped out overwhelmed you

And so you just sat in bed staring at your schedule until it was too late.

You won’t be able to work enough. You won’t be able to pay all of your bills.

You can’t make work your priority. School has to come first.

But you have to work and you have to work enough because

It’s hard to write lesson plans in the dark.

You are facing the impossible. You tell yourself it’s all going to be okay.

You tell yourself you are going to fail.

You can only do so much. It won’t be enough.

So you get into your car, lock your doors, and buckle your seatbelt.

You put your car in reverse, back out of the parking space and wipe away your tears

Before you put the car into drive. You pull out of the campus parking lot

And then it starts. That perfect song. The familiar first notes and the comforting lyrics

Fill your car, softly at first. You increase the volume so that it no longer fills your car

But it fills your ears. It fills your head.  It drowns out your thoughts – the noise and disapproval.

And when that song is followed by another familiar song, you’ll turn the volume up then too.